Friend or Foe?

“Sekarang biarkan aku yang pergi” celetuk Riana yang memang sudah jengkel dengan kelakuan Fikri
“oke, kalau itu maumu” jawab Fikri dengan nada tinggi
Suasana menjadi tegang, pertengkaran keduanya tak bisa terhindarkan, semua yang terjadi saat ini di picu dari kesalahpahaman Ria yang beranggapan bahwa Fikri telah menduakannya.
Fikri gusar karena di tuduh berhianat, sedang Riana begitu saja percaya dengan apa yang dikatakan Niken. Niken ini adalah teman baik Riana dan juga Fikri.
Setelah pertengkaran itu kini hubungan Fikri dan Riana sangatlah tidak baik, mereka saling serang dan berupaya membenarkan dirinya masing-masing, tak taunya hal ini di manfaatkan betul oleh Niken yang berusaha untuk mendekati Fikri.
Selama ini Niken memendam perasaanya ke Fikri karena Fikri adalah temannya dan juga kekasih Riana.
Tanpa diketahui Riana Niken terus berupaya mendekati Fikri, Riana tak pernah sekalipun menduganya karena memang tak tampak ada yang berubah, Niken tetap menjaga persahabatannya dan selalu bersikap manis pada Riana.
Sampai suatu masa Niken menghasut Fikri agar supaya memutuskan Riana, Fikri yang sudah merasa bosan dengan ulah Riana yang kerap memojokkanya pun dengan mudah terhasut oleh bujukan Niken.
Namun Fikri masih menunggu waktu yang tepat untuk memutuskan Riana, sementara Niken yang merasa sudah mendapat perhatian lebih dari Fikri semakin tak ingat siapa itu dirinya, siapa itu Fikri, siapa itu Riana. Ia selalu mencari perhatian dari Fikri, ia selalu menebar pesonanya di hadapan Fikri. Seolah tak pernah sia-sia apa yang diperbuat Niken mendapat respon bagus dari Fikri, Fikri sangat bersimpati padanya, dan begitu mudah Fikri tertarik oleh pesona Niken hingga Fikri terlupa pada Riana yang merupakan kekasih hatinya.
“kamu sungguh cantik ken” ungkap Fikri memuji
“ah biasa aja Fik, aku masih kalah cantik jika dibanding Ria” balas Niken malu-malu
“persetan dengan Ria” ujar Fikri lantang.
Niken terdiam, ia merasa telah berhasil dalam upayanya.” Sebentar lagi Fik kamu pasti bisa kutaklukkan” gumam Niken dalam hati.
“tapi bagaimanapun aku gak akan bisa seperti Ria” balas Niken berkelekar.
“kamu akan lebih baik dari Ria ken” jawab Fikri menyanjung.
Saat ini Fikri memang sedang di mabuk asmara, ia tak lagi pedulikan keberadaan Riana, ia hanya berfikir bagaimana bisa mendapatkan Niken.
Riana sadar bahwa selama ini hubunganya dengan Fikri sengaja di buat berantakan oleh sahabatnya yaitu Niken.
Namun yang tak habis dipikir oleh Riana kenapa Niken melakukan ini padanya.
Riana belum juga menyadari bahwa tujuan Niken yang utama adalah mau merebut Fikri darinya.
Suatu ketika Riana memergoki Fikri yang saat itu sedang bercaanda mesra dengan Niken, sungguh tak dapat di percaya oleh Riana bahwa kekasihnya sedang ada main dengan sahabatnya. Riana berupaya untuk tak mempermasalahkan hal ini, dengan ia berpura-pura tak mengerti hubungan Fikri dengan Niken.
Namun jauh dari apa yang diharapkan Riana, Fikri semakin gila dan menjadi-jadi tentu saja ini membuat Riana berang atas Fikri.
“bajingan kamu Fik” bentak Riana kasar.
“bajingan apa Yan” sahut Fikri berlagak bodoh.
“aku coba untuk terus bertahan, tapi kenapa kamu tak juga berubah. Kamu ada main dengan Niken kan? Iya kan? Jawab! ujar Riana dengan terisak.
Fikri mencoba membela diri ia berusaha menjelaskan semuanya, namun Riana terlanjur terbakar emosinya.
Lagi–lagi pertengkaran besar antara sepasang kekasih ini tak bisa terhindarkan lagi, bahkan lebih heboh dari yang lalu.
“sekarang kamu pilih mana, antara aku atau Niken” tanya Riana dengan cucuran air matanya
Fikri bingung tak menjawab, ia hanya terdiam.
“kalau kamu laki-laki kamu harus bisa memilih” desak Riana dengan wajah yang sangat kecewa.
Fikri memilih berlalu meninggalkan Riana tanpa ada sepatah kata yang terucap.
Fikri datang kepada Niken untuk menjelaskan permasalahannya dengan Ria, namun Niken pun memojokkan posisi Fikri saat itu, Niken juga mau ditegaskan posisinya terhadap Fikri, Niken hanya mau jika Fikri ingin tetap menjalin hubungan dengannya maka Fikri harus memutuskan Riana.
Serba salah Fikri sebuah keputusan yang sungguh menyulitkan Riana.
“oke ken, aku akan putusin Ria” ungkap Fikri bingung.
“bener fik” jawab Niken girang karena telah berhasil menaklukkan Fikri.
Nikenpun memeluk Fikri karena bahagia mendengar keputusan Fikri, begitu juga Fikri memeluk Niken seolah tak ingin kehilangan Niken.
Mengetahi keputusan ini pun Riana tak bisa berbuat apa-apa ia hanya berpasrah kepada Sang Mahakuasa, namun di dalam hatinya masih merasa pedih karena harus kehilangan Fikri yang sangat dicintainya harus berpaling kepada Niken sahabat yang sangat dipercayainya.
Riana memilih pergi jauh meninggalkan kehidupan Fikri dan Niken yang sudah sama-sama menghianatinya.
Riana pergi membawa lukanya sendiri. sebuah pelajaran berharga yang didapati Riana.
Kini Riana menutup hati untuk setiap laki-laki yang hendak mendekatinya,
Adapun nanti ia membuka hati untuk kaum adam mungkin saja ia akan semakin selektif dalam memilih dan menentukan pasangannya, ia tak mau ada Fikri-Fikri lagi yang mungkin kelak menghancurkan hatinya.

CINTA UNTUK PELANGI

   Suatu hari di tepi danau yang indah, seorang wanita sedang duduk sendiri. Dia sedang memainkan kuas dengan warna-warni cat diatas kanvas. Pelangi, itulah namanya. Dia sering berada di tepi danau melakukan kegiatan melukis sendiri. Setiap hari dia diantar oleh pengasuhnya ke tempat tersebut. Sesekali terkadang bersama neneknya dia pergi ke danau tersebut. Pelangi adalah seorang wanita cantik yang ditinggal oleh ayahnya yang harus bekerja di Jerman, ibunya meninggal saat dia masih kecil, dan kini dia tinggal bersama kakek, nenek, serta pengasuhnya. Pelangi menjalani home schooling di rumahnya. Tidak seperti wanita normal lainnya yang sering bergaul, Pelangi justru wanita yang pendiam dan tidak memiliki banyak teman.

Minggu pagi yang cerah saat Pelangi sedang libur dari home schooling-nya, dia pergi ke tepi danau tempat biasa dia melukis. Siapa sangka, setiap dia melukis di tepi danau itu ternyata ada seorang pria yang sering memperhatikannya dari kejauhan dan secara sembunyi-sembunyi. Pelangi tidak mengetahui kalau dia memiliki seorang penggemar rahasia yang selalu memperhatikannya dari kejauhan. Pria tersebut sangat terpesona dengan paras wajah Pelangi yang sangat menawan, tubuhnya yang sangat mungil, serta rambutnya yang sekali-sekali tertiup oleh angin sehingga membuat Pelangi semakin cantik. Namun sayangnya si pria tidak bernyali untuk menghampiri Pelangi, dia malu dan minder serta takut juga kalau dia tidak disambut baik oleh Pelangi.

   Pada saat itu ketika Pelangi sedang asyik melukis, tiba-tiba hujan turun. Rintik-rintik hujan yang kecil di minggu pagi itu membuat Pelangi tidak berpindah dari tempatnya melukis, dia hanya membereskan peralatan lukisnya saja. Si pria tersebut heran melihat Pelangi yang tidak berteduh, sehingga dia memaksakan diri untuk menghampiri pelangi. “Hei, kenapa kamu tidak berteduh? Ayo kita berteduh!” ujar si pria tersebut. Pelangi tetap terdiam di tempatnya itu dengan mata terpejam dan senyumnya yang seakan menikmati hujan tersebut, dia berkata “tidak, kamu saja yang berteduh. Aku sangat menyukai hujan rintik-rintik seperti ini karena ini membuatku tenang” tanpa sadar pelangi menjawabnya dengan mata terpejam. Pria tersebut hanya diam saja memperhatikan pelangi yang sedang asyik menikmati hujan rintik-rintik, lalu Pelangi membuka matanya dan berkata lagi kepada pria tersebut “Kamu siapa? Kenapa mengajak berteduh, apa kamu mengenaliku?” (dengan nada yang heran). Si pria menjawabnya, “tadi aku duduk di balik pohon besar itu, lalu aku melihatmu sedang hujan-hujanan jadi aku ingin mengajakmu untuk berteduh” si pria merasakan hal yang berbeda, perasaan yang sangat meluap-luap yang tidak bisa di deskripsikan. Karena Pelangi semakin basah, si pria tersebut kembali mengajak Pelangi untuk berteduh. Namun Pelangi tetap tidak ingin pergi dari sana sambil memejamkan matanya dan menikmati rintik hujan, sampai akhirnya hujanpun berhenti dan pelangi membuka matanya. Dengan melihat ke atas langit, Pelangi semakin tersenyum melebar karena melihat ada pelangi yang menghias tepat di langit danau tersebut. “Oh iya, aku Pelangi, kamu siapa? Kok menungguku daritadi?” ujar Pelangi. “Aku Andre, oh jadi karena kamu menyukai pelangi makanya namamu menjadi Pelangi?” jawab si pria sambil tersenyum hangat. Akhirnya percakapan merekapun semakin jauh dan keduanya saling bertukar kontak HP.

   Singkat cerita, Andre dan Pelangi semakin dekat dan dekat. Entah apa yang dirasakan Pelangi karena tidak biasanya dia dekat dengan seorang pria, biasanya dia hanya dekat dengan orang-orang terdekatnya saja. Andre-pun merasakan hal yang sama, dia merasakan hal yang berbeda ketika dekat dengan Pelangi. Setiap malam mereka berkomunikasi di lewat HP, semakin hari semakin hubungan mereka semakin dekat dan mereka sering bertemu juga. Satu hari akhirnya mereka berpacaran dan disinilah awal mula kisah cinta mereka. Saling menyayangi dan mencintai, itulah yang mereka rasakan dan lakukan satu sama lain. Sekarang yang mengantar Pelangi ke danau sudah bukan pengasuhnya lagi, melainkan kekasihnya sendiri yaitu Andre. Andre sudah mengetahui waktu kapan mengantar dan menjemput Pelangi. Seusai home schooling, Andre sudah stand by di teras rumah Pelangi dan bersiap untuk mengantar kekasih yang baru dia kenal dalam waktu dekat dan dia dicintainya itu.

   Suatu hari Pelangi meminta Andre untuk tidak mengantar dan menjemputnya karena Pelangi terkujur sakit. Dalam waktu yang bersamaan pertengkaran juga menghampiri mereka, entah apa yang menyebabkan pertengkan tersebut. Mereka lost contact karena keduanya saling menjaga gengsi untuk menghubungi, namun rindu mereka semakin lama semakin meluap. Leukimia, itulah penyakit yang menimpa Pelangi. Andre tidak mengetahui bahwa kekasihnya itu memiliki penyakit ganas tersebut, dan penyakit leukimia Pelangi sudah sangat parah. Hingga pada suatu hari Andre tidak tahan menahan rindu dan akhirnya dia menghubungi Pelangi. Nama Andre tertulis di HP Pelangi berdering, namun sayang yang menjawabnya bukan Pelangi melainkan neneknya karena Pelangi sedang tidak sadar. Mendengar kabar dari neneknya, Andre tidak berfikir panjang dan langsung mengarahkan motornya menuju rumah sakit yang diberitahu oleh nenek Pelangi. Saat bertemu dengan nenek dan kakek pelangi, terlihat wajah sedih mereka (walaupun ditutupi dengan senyuman). Begitu Pelangi sadar, Andre langsung meminta izin untuk melihatnya kepada dokter, dan dokterpun mengizinkannya. “Kenapa kamu tidak mengatakan kalau kamu memiliki penyakit ini? Jujur, hari ini rinduku sudah mencapai puncaknya dan aku tidak bisa menahannya lagi” ujar Andre sambil menangis di depan Pelangi. “Kenapa kamu ada disini sayang? Aku takut kamu menjauhiku jika kuberitahu penyakitku ini padamu” jawab Pelangi dengan suaranya yang kecil karena masih sangat lemas. “Aku meneleponmu dan nenekmu yang menjawabnya, sehingga aku tahu kamu disini. Dengar, seberapa buruk penyakitmu, apapun yang terjadi kepadamu, aku tidak akan pernah menjauhimu apalagi meninggalkanmu. Aku sangat menyayangimu lebih dari apapun, dan aku akan selalu berada disampingmu sampai kapanpun. Maafkan aku yang menjaga gengsi kemarin karena akupun menunggu kabar darimu, sejujurnya aku sangat menyesal dengan kelakuanku kemarin”. Mendengar kalimat dari pacarnya, Pelangi tak kuasa menahan air matanya sehingga tetes air matapun jatuh di bantalnya. “Ternyata kamu merasakan hal yang sama denganku, aku sayang kamu Andre. Sekarang pulanglah, dan kembalilah besok karena sekarang sudah malam. Aku takut kamu kenapa-kenapa di jalan” Kata Pelangi sambil menangis dan memegang Andre dengan perasaan yang bahagia. Andre-pun pamit dan segera pulang kerumahnya dengan perasaan yang ingin cepat-cepat esok hari.

Pagipun tiba, Andre terburu-buru pergi ke rumah sakit untuk menemui kekasihnya lagi. Sesampainya di rumah sakit, keadaan disana sangat genting. Kakek dan nenek menangis, dokter dan suster sedang berusaha menyadarkan Pelangi. Namun takdir berkata lain, di pagi itu Pelangi menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya. Andre tak kuasa menahan kepedihannya yang sangat dalam, mengapa wanita yang baru saja dia cintai begitu cepat di panggil tuhan. Selepas kepergian kekasihnya, Andre sesekali pergi ke tepi danau menunggu hujan dan menikmatinya, dengan penuh harapan ada pelangi untuk mengenang kisah cintanya.

I Won't Forget You

When I first ' met ' you I thought you weren't going to be as important as you are now. We became friends, then best friends. I was able to tell you anything , and the same for you. Our late night conversations seemed endless. You suddenly became single! I was sad yet somewhat happy. I was sad since the person you had broken up with was my best friend. But I guess I was also a bit happy since I had developed a small secret crush on you. Then and there you asked me out. The break up happened through text messages as well as when you asked me out. I stupidly said yes.

You went on and on about how happy you were to call me yours. We kept a secret from your ex ( my best friend ), just because we thought it was to soon. You told me you just couldn't hold it in and told her. She took it pretty good, then again I think she didn't. When they were together, she had mentioned how much she loved him, and that he was the first person she actually had deep feelings for. So then about a week later we had an argument. Which ended our relationship. But we stayed friends obviously. You started talking to your ex again. You told her the exact same words you told me. So it was obvious that you trying to get with her again.

And it worked. You guys got back together while I just stood there pretending I was happy. Don't get me wrong I was obviously happy I mean she is my best friend. But I was heartbroken. So then that ended. We kept having "on and off relationships". I hated it. I wanted so badly to call you mine. But when I had the chance to do that, it was only for a short time since our relationships only lasted about a week. I felt so used . You broke up with me after saying you loved me, you had me thinking I did something, that it was my fault. You would always bring up your current girlfriends and I would say I'd be happy for you. Which I actually was because then again we were close friends. We would still hangout, which would be fun. You would always make me feel better when I was down. Thing was that when we did hang out, we got close, too close. We acted as if we were more than friends. In a way, I enjoyed it. But i also had to come back to reality, which is when I would realize that we weren't actually dating.

About a month later , I hung out with her again. She had told me what you have said about me. Stuff like " I think shes the one." When she told me that my heart lit up. I tried not to smile but it just came out. But again I realized that, that was in the past and now its all gone. We stopped talking for some reason. We just drifted apart. Months later you texted me and we started to hang out again. I remember you hugging me tightly and telling me how much you missed me. I loved it. 2015 came months later. That was the year we kissed. I'm pretty sure it was someday in February. When your lips met with mine it felt like everything around me just disappeared. I honestly hoped you felt the same. I remember I pulled away because I thought of my best friend. You wanted to keep going but I wanted to be a good friend like always. Hope you weren't disappointed. Later that day we kissed again . It was longer and same as the first, it felt amazing (even though you weren't my first kiss). When we both pulled away you hugged me and said " Aww you're shaking .... it's ok." You made feel secure.

After a few days we hung out again. It was a Monday. You came over and we hung out. It was pretty fun, like always. You got a call and told me you had to go since you had soccer practice. I understood but I didn't want you to go. You gave me a quick hug and told me that you'll come over tomorrow . I knew it wasn't true. I was right you didn't come or even text me. I was able to tell on how you hugged me. Sounds weird but its true. The hug you gave me was surprisingly quick. You've never hugged me like that before. We didn't talk for months straight until you texted me. You have no idea how happy I was. But sadly for me, that didn't last long. My best friend would bring you up numerous times. When she did my heart sank? Just knowing the fact that you're not busy or anything and yet not texting me irritated me. Did I do something? You had these questions going on in my head for days. Eventually I was somewhat starting to get over you. But little things that would pop up in my head led to me thinking of you.

About a month passed. I hung out with my friend again. This was recently actually. On the last few hours of our day together, she invited you over. It was awkward and I know you felt the same way. It felt like I was meeting you for the very first time again. I completely hated it. After everything, this is where we end up now. Not even a " Hi ." Sometimes I think to myself, " Yeah, there is other people I'm going to meet along the way. " But you always end up coming back. I still miss you. It's hard not thinking about you. I know you don't feel the same way. I was told that you now have a girlfriend. Its now May 6, and still nothing from you. I'll still be thinking about you whether you're doing the same or not. I miss you.

It's a Wonderful Death

Alex Knatt sat before a man who represented everything he despised. He hated nothing more in life than a psychiatrist, this psychiatrist, this Doctor Jonathan Worthington. This overly educated, super-professional was the quintessential blond haired, blue-eyed, alpha male. He was tall, handsome and fashionable, wearing clothes that fit just like they do on the mannequins in the windows. He was exactly what the Nazi's had tried to genetically perfect. He was in fact perfect. He was everything Alex Knatt was not and yet this uber-man had been given the task of questioning Alex. Alex was sure he could take the torture, he could take a lot, after all he had only recently died.

"Well Mister Knatt, where would you like to start?" asked Dr. Worthington, casually taking off his extremely thin glasses that Alex was damn sure he didn't need.
"I wouldn't," is what he wanted to say but Alex knew better. Confrontation was what they wanted, what they liked. You played into their hands that way. It only gave them more questions to ask. Alex just shrugged his shoulders.
"Then let's start with the dreams."
The dreams, thought Alex, those were Alex's dreams and no one else's. How unfair, how infinitely cruel that some psycho-swine had the privilege of knowing about his dreams. He wouldn't give up those wonders just yet. He had to stall until he could come up with a plan of action.
"Can't say I remember them all that well."
"Ah. I see."
It would continue like this though the entire session and that was fine by both of them. Alex Knatt knew one thing about psychiatrists, they were never in a big hurry for you to spill all the beans. They waited you out. The bigger the bill that way. What the hell, Alex's mom was paying for all this anyway. He could stand up under the interrogation for those fifty minutes a session easy. He could put off this elite of the human race for years because Alex knew he himself didn't belong to the human race or for that matter this world. Alex Knatt had been diagnosed as clinically depressed for as long as he could remember. He had gone ten years on antidepressants and it only deepened his depression. The drugs covered the symptoms of the melancholy but could not unearth the roots. So he quit the eight-pill-a-day regimen wanting rather his mental state to match his life-philosophy which was bleak and negative.
The only thing that had ever broke his depression had been his death. Unfortunately that had only lasted three minutes, but what a gloriously happy three minutes it was for Alex Knatt. The only thing he had left of that bliss however were his fleeting dreams.
Alex had died in a car accident, a boring everyday affair that you hear about on the evening news. He couldn't even die in an exciting way. There was not much he could say about the accident. It was a wintry highway sort of thing, with the obligatory spinning, screaming and blinding blurs of slowed down time. He only really remembered one thing about it - the moment his heart stopped.
When he woke up in the hospital days later it all had to be explained to him. The explanations were unsatisfactory. They kept telling him how and why he had survived when what he really wanted to know was something more existential, something of a firmer philosophy than a throw of the dice from the hands of fate. Alex Knatt wanted to know why he was alive again - why he had to come back to this place.
At least there were the dreams. He still held some hope for them. He couldn’t remember any dreams before the accident. Now his dreams were only and ever of one thing - his own death.
Alex Knatt had come to think that the concussive force that had cut short his life had somehow unlocked a greater consciousness, that somehow he had discovered a link to his own death, or rather to the place of death.
The happiness that his death had brought him couldn't keep him occupied all day and that's when the depression would set in. He often blamed his state of mind on his living situation. This annoyed him so deeply he refused to fully acknowledge how bad it was. It would pop up though in little tics and sudden furtive gestures that seemed to come out of no where but were always related back to his living situation.
Alex Knatt was thirty-years old, unemployed and living alone with his mother in a small, dingy and unexciting apartment. The truth was that his malaise ran even deeper than that, because although he hated living with his mother he really didn't even want to move out or live anywhere else, so he hated himself all the more and in a way that satisfied him.
But in reality, he had it pretty good. For the most part, his mother left him to his own devices. There was a cost of course to Alex, there always is. Over the years they had developed an unwritten and unspoken arrangement. It had never been acknowledged nor directly referred to, but it was always in operation and ever understood by the participants.
It was a tacit arrangement, a loose affiliation of codes that had developed over the years though battles of silence and innuendo. Alex's mother could never nag him about getting a job or doing something productive with his life. In addition, she would casually leave him some spending money on occasion and never mention it.
For Alex's part he had to endure the holidays with his mother's family, he had to eat dinner with her and had to watch her favorite television shows and of course feign interest in these topics. Strangely however the most pivotal of the caveats was that Alex could never divulge what he really felt about this world and his life. His young days of flying off the handle to his mother about how truly shitty this world was, were over. He had to keep that shit in.
Things began to change for Alex after the accident. In a subtle way Alex Knatt had broken their arrangement. He had brought his awful inner life into her home. He had inadvertently threatened the peace by the mere suggestion of his early mortality and a mother's long loneliness. For his mother, this breach of contract had to be remedied.
So by her understanding of the agreement she decided that her son needed to see a psychiatrist. This was a point of contention in Alex's reading of the agreement but there was little he could do to argue the point, for that would entail reviewing the entire foundation of the agreement and he felt his case might not stand up under such an examination. So Alex Knatt just stayed in his room and said nothing. His mother was unimpressed with his silent bargaining tactics; he was silent most of the time anyway. She persisted and soon Alex realized his cause was hopeless.
The only chance he had to return to the normalcy of the life he so detested was to bend on this one point. She held all the cards, money, food, lodging. On top of that he had made the crucial mistake of mentioning the strange dreams. That was her trump card. Three minutes dead was one thing but her son having strange post-traumatic dreams, that was a serious crack in the facade. Alex Knatt had exposed his inner life.
Now there were these damned therapy sessions. They had been going on for months now. Dr. Worthington looked just like a Ken doll to Alex Knatt, a Ken doll married to a Barbie with a litter of little Barbie/Ken's. Dr. Worthington had pictures of his family all over the office. They looked just like the frame family - those families that come pictured in a newly purchased frame. They were all perfect and it made Alex want to spit blood. Every session the doctor's three blond cherubs stared up at Alex from their frame on the table with their village-of-the-damned smiles spread in a rictus riot of happiness. How could one so perfect help one so flawed or rather how could one so flawed ever demean himself enough to accept help from one so perfect?
And here he was again, back on the couch. Back in the museum of the world's most perfect family. His whole life had become a week long ritual of hate for his therapy and therapist. Dr. Worthington's torture tactics were breaking him down. Alex didn't know how much longer he could take all the happy faces and enforced optimism. He hated to admit it but Dr. Worthington's slow badgering method was beginning to produce psychological dividends.
Alex swallowed a sigh and waited for Worthington to start in. He didn't have to wait long.
"So Alex, do you think there is a connection between the dreams and your accident?"
Alex held his breath. He made a face and slowly breathed again. If the bastard only knew. "The accident? Is that possible? You're the doctor." Worthington was getting close.
Worthington battered a thumb against his lip. "Well you said you had never had dreams before. I took the logical leap."
Alex picked up the family portrait that Dr. Worthington had displayed on his coffee table. "You have a very nice family Dr. Worthington."
"You're interested in families, are you? Let's talk about your family Alex."
Alex set the portrait back down. The faces still smiled at him. What sort of hell would it be like to live in that family, that genetic incubator of patriotic, patronizing, life loving, conservative clones? He vomited the thought from his mind. "I didn't really have a family. My father died when I was young."
"I'm aware of that Alex, but you do still live with your mother."
Alex sank back into the couch. A long moment passed. Alex stayed silent. Worthington rolled his platinum pen in between his fingers.
"Well then, let me tell you about my family," said Worthington after a while. "I have three girls as you can see. The oldest is eight. And if that isn't enough for you, my wife and I are expecting. We're going to have our first son, Alex. What do you think about that? Isn't that exciting?"
"Hardly," blurted out Alex before he could contain himself.
Dr. Worthington chuckled to himself. "I didn't think you would think so. But unless you talk to me, I am going to have to drone on about my family and how my girls love to go soccer practice and summer camp and how the youngest is just learning to ride a bike."
"Please don't."
"Then let's talk about your dreams Alex."
"What do you want to know?"
"What are they about?"
"I can't always remember."
"And did they start after the accident?"
"As far as I know."
"Are they always the same?"
"Not exactly the same."
"But they share a theme?"
"Sort of."
"And what is that theme Alex?"
Alex stood up and went behind the couch. He started to pace. A bead of sweat rolled down his cheek. His armpits felt damp. His scalp felt hot like he wore a wig. He glanced at the clock. He still had twenty minutes left.
"Are you thinking about it, Alex?"
Alex kept pacing, faster now. He could see in his mind Worthington writing him a prescription at the end of the session. He could see Worthington back at his perfect home, talking to his perfect wife about what a fuck up his new patient was. He could hear the giggles of Worthington’s daughters. He could see himself now, with the amber pill bottle in hand, standing at the bathroom sink with a glass of water waiting to be drunk.
Alex stopped and looked at Worthington and looked at him in the eyes for the first time. "I dream about the place I went when I died."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Why don't you tell me about it?"
"All right. I think I will. It's a wonderful place Doc., a place where no one gets hurt, where no one looks down on anyone, where no one judges anyone. No one ever grows old, no one ever dies and everybody can do whatever they want."
"Sounds like heaven."
"No. It's not heaven, cause there is no boss. Everyone is their own boss."
"Do you believe this place really exists?"
"Am I crazy if I say yes?"
"Not necessarily."
"Yes. Yes I do believe because I was there. I was there for three minutes of your time when I died and when I shuffle off this shitty coil I'll go back. It's the only thing that makes me happy to tell you the truth."
Dr. Worthington scribbled furiously.
"Is that what you wanted to hear Doc?"
"Yes, I think we might have had a minor break through Alex. I'll tell you what, the time's nearly up. Let's break off for today, but stop by my receptionist on the way out and let's schedule extra appointment as soon as possible."
Alex walked to the door. He opened it and felt something when he exited. He felt free.

#

That night Alex Knatt dreamed of the deathless place again but it was different this time, it wasn't like before. There was something wrong and he writhed in his sleep because of it. When he awoke all he could remember were the echoes of an ethereal voice. It was one of the denizens of that place. He had been saying something to Alex just as he woke up. Alex closed his eyes again. He tried to remember the words. One last echo reverberated around his half awake mind. It said "You shouldn't have told Alex. You have endangered your chance to come here. Be very careful Alex."
The words faded to nothing. What had happened? What had he done? Nobody had told him it was secret. But the sinking feeling he felt inside made him know that should not have told. Panic gripped him. He had to do something.
Then the phone rang down the hall. It was seven-thirty in the morning. Who would be calling at this hour? Alex got up and walked out into the hall. His mother had picked up the phone. She was dressed for work already. She was nodding her head and writing something down. Somebody called knowing her schedule, knowing that she would still be here and Alex would be asleep. She hung up the phone.
"Who was that?"
"Alex, we are going to have to schedule another appointment for the hospital."
"Who was that mom?!"
"I am not supposed to say."
"Mom, I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me what this is about." His palms were cold and sweaty. He could feel his heart thump and bang against his ribcage. They were screwing everything up.
"Alexander Graham Knatt you can't always have it your own way! We are going to go and that's that. Dr. Worthington thinks that the brain scans might have missed something. He just wants to check if everything is okay up there. So you better clear your schedule mister."
"Mom," he huffed searching for some line defense to fall back on, "Mom I am my own man. I'm not some ward of the state." It was the best he could do.
"We are not going to argue about this Alex. You see to it or I will," and with a curt smile she left for work.
All Alex was capable of was stumbling down the hallway and falling into bed. Something had finally gone right for once in his miserable life, he was special for once, he had a future, an importance in this world and that damned shrink and his mom had teamed up to try and destroy it all. Back to the hospital? He couldn't go back to the hospital. What if they did find something wrong? Even worse what if they fixed it? They might make the dreams go away. They might take away the hope.
That was it. That's what the warning in his dream was. They were telling him not to go back to the hospital. That was the danger.
Alex heaved a long, heavy sigh. He covered his head with his pillow. He began to sob. There was only one thing he could do. He had planned it many times but there wasn't enough time for anything elaborate. He had stockpiled enough over the years to do the job. Alex went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

#

Alex was in his dreams again. He was floating toward the deathless place. The sky was all around him and filled with light and cascading prisms of colors. There was no air and no need to breath. He felt a narcotic happiness buzzing around the seat of his soul. The lights were getting brighter now. He was almost there.
That voice again. Like a thousand orchestras all in perfect harmony. What was it saying?
His ascension slowed to a halt. What was the voice saying? Now he could hear it.
“You may not pass. You cannot enter.”
"Why not? What happened? What did I do?"
“The only thing that would bar you from this place.”
"I didn't know you weren't supposed to tell anyone."
“The fault was not in the telling.”
"I don't understand then. What did I do?"
“Sadly you failed the final test.”
"The final test?"
“And you were so close Alex. So many souls have longed to come as close as you.”
“But what did I do?”
“Your incarnation was to be a trial of suffering. That suffering was the key to this place. But Alex, poor Alex you undid all that suffering when you relinquished your life. Your exit was alas too soon.”
"You mean... suicide."
“You have been on very long journey and your last life was to be the final test of your worthiness.”
Worthiness, thought Alex. Worthiness - Worthington? Was it connected? The whole thing was a test? And he had almost made it. “So what does it mean? What will happen to me now?”
“You are to be sent back to try again.”
"Another life?"
“Yes. Now listen well. This is my warning to you. In your next life your soul will writhe under the yoke of its new existence, but if you bear on you may again see these glimmering lights of paradise. Farewell to you Alex Knatt.”
All faded to black for Alex Knatt. When next he opened his eyes everything was incredibly bright and he was crying, screaming with all the power of his lungs and he was being lifted up naked in the air by a huge pair of hands. Upside down he recognized someone’s massive face peering at him. He recognized the face of Dr. Jonathan Worthington.
Dr. Worthington shed a tear. He was both happy and sad. He had just lost his patient Alex, but he just gained a son.

Who is She Going to Tell?

I don’t remember it happening. I was just walking to put the garbage in the bin. I felt a pain so intense, it stopped me in my tracks. Like lightening and a sledgehammer had both hit me at the same time. And just like that, I was dead.


“We need to talk.” Believe me, when God says that to you, you pucker up a bit. Even if you are already in Heaven. Especially, if, like me, you have only been in Heaven for a week or so. I gulped, put on my best smile, and turned towards Him.

“Yes, God. About what?”
“About your wife. She is not doing well, and is crying and praying to me almost all day and night. It is one of the most sincere prayers I have ever heard. You must have been on heck of a husband.”

And he smiled at me.

There is really no way to describe that smile to a Mortal. None. However, if you can imagine every good thing you ever tasted: from ice cream to a great steak,then linked that -somehow- to smelling your babies hair the first time, then connected that, to all the love you ever gave in your life, the best song you ever heard, throw in the way you looked at your wife when you first saw her, and the look you gave her when she said: “ Yes!", add a rainbow, a snowy day, some winter ice scenes, the hardest you ever laughed in your life- and you would be close... in Human terms anyway.

“I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say. It isn’t legal to go back and talk to her for a bit…is it?

“Well, that is the thing Kevin. Not often do I get a glimpse of a love this strong and deep, from someone who is as old as she is. Usually, it is only younger people,or folks who lost a child, who pray at this level. Very few wives pray this hard for their husband after fifty years of being with them every single day. In fact, on more than one occasion, it is the opposite prayer I get. “ And He laughed.

Well, if you can’t picture God’s smile, there is no way in Heaven or Hell (which I got to visit, it isn’t far from Heaven, surprisingly - at least in distance) I can describe his laugh. You know that old saying: “Laughter is the best medicine?” Well, it is more than that. When God laughs, we all do. It is lovely.

“ So, I have decided that you can visit her for tonight. “

You could have knocked me over with a feather , by the way, there aren’t any in Heaven, in case you are wondering. None. Nada. Not one. Not even in your cap.

“What am I supposed to say?” I was shaking. I never told anyone in Heaven, but I miss her so much, but in a way that I couldn’t explain, so …I didn’t.

“Just be you. Reassure her. Things will be okay, and someday, she will be here with you. You can tell her as much, or as little as you want about Heaven, or Hell, for that matter.”

That’s all it took. Time doesn’t work in Heaven like it does on Earth. Nor does how you get from one place to another. One moment I was talking with God, the next…surprising Kathy as she turned from making pumpkin cookies for the grand kids.

She just stared, and held the cookies out in front of her. I stared back. She didn’t faint, but the cookie pan slid slowly from her hand, the cookies sliding off and onto the floor, in a soft plop…plop…plop. I stepped right on the cookies to hold her. She let the pan go, and hugged me like, well, like she had seen a ghost.

“Is it you?”
“Yep.”
“But…but …your taller!” And I was.
“Oh, that comes with the whole perfect body and soul thing when you get to Heaven. You’ll see.”
She leaned up against my chest, and I stroked her hair, as I rested my chin (yes, I only had the one now) on top of her head. We didn’t say anything for a long while. So long, that my tears and her tears had met somewhere in the middle of my shirt. (Oh, yeah, I forgot, there is such a thing as clothes, in heaven. Just not out of materials you know of.)

“What…how…why?” She looked up into my face, with more questions pouring out than her mouth could form at one time.

“Whoa, pretty lady. We have all night. I will tell you everything I know, or you think to ask. We have the whole night, God said so. You were right…there is a God. “

It was worth the pain of knowing I would have to go back to Heaven in a few hours, just to see the look on her face when I told her there is a God. It was a look that I thought one could only see in Heaven. I was wrong.

“I was right!” She laughed, cried, and buried her head back in my chest. Hugging me so tight she was shaking and I was vibrating. It was glorious.

We talked and talked, and never once let go of each other. I explained to her what I could. I told her that going to Heaven was kind of like graduating from High School. You always thought about going back, but if you did go back. Well, it wouldn’t be like you would think. The school seems smaller, tinier, the people who just a year ago were the teachers you were scared of or respected, and now, well, now they are just working class people named Joe, Bob, Nancy, or Tyresha…just ordinary people with a job- like you.

Then you realize that the girls you thought were cute as sophomores, or juniors, could now put you in jail if you tried to date them. That your friends one year behind you, are now the Seniors and hate that you came back to brag about being in the Army, or having a job, or starting college. You are treated nicely, but you won’t be back again. You can’t wait to leave because they really don’t want you there. It is their world, and you don’t belong there anymore. That is kind of like what Heaven makes you feel about Earth. Once you get to Heaven, you don’t want to come back , you don’t belong on Earth anymore. Everyone up in Heaven knows it, and is happy when other people finally get to Heaven too.

The morning came all to quickly. As I left Kathy, with the gift of remembering every detail of my visit (God said I could. He also threw in a great night’s sleep the next night for her. The sleep of Angels. What a gift.) We parted as we had met the night before…still holding each other.

When I got back to Heaven, God met me to thank me.

“Thank me? Thank me?! My God, I should be thanking you.” God laughed at that, after a moment, all of Heaven did to. It was a funny moment- or maybe you had to be there.

“No, Kevin. I thank you. It had to be very difficult for you to see her again, knowing you couldn’t stay, and you don’t know when she is coming here. Even I don’t know that. “

That surprised me, but then again, God was always surprising me.

“But God, I told her all about Heaven. I got rid of many of her preconceptions , and laid many a myth about Heaven, and about you. You said I could, so , I did.”

“Yes, I did, Kevin. Just stop and think for a moment. She knows more about Heaven, and God, than any living mortal ever did, but (and he smiled that smile again) who is she going to tell?”

We all laughed.

The End.